I can’t believe this is how I am starting my very first Cannonball Read. I feel like my next review will have to be “War and Peace” for you guys to actually take me seriously. In Russian, obviously.
But before I pretend to be all respectable and stuff, let’s dive into some gay plane sex! Shout out to Patty Smith for loaning me the book, and getting this whole mess started.
Honestly, I was tempted to just post excerpts from the book with insightful comments like WTF?!?, Seriously????, and But it’s a PLANE!!, but I’m going to do my best to write an actual review (I’ll still throw in some excerpts, because you just have to read some of this shit to believe it). Spoilers below, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing.
The book starts with Alex waxing poetic about relationships, how they change and evolve; with friends, co-workers, even with objects. How you could even someday find yourself falling in love with an object, to your complete surprise.
After all, love is for people not things.
Clearly, Alex has never owned a Prada backpack.
As the story unfolds, Alex is the sole passenger on a flight from New York to Los Angeles (I call bullshit). He is freaking out about the turbulence, downing mini bottles of vodka, when a disembodied voice reassures him that everything will be alright. Instead of thinking that he should lay off the sauce, Alex feels like an idiot for not immediately realizing that the plane is speaking to him. After introductions and small-talk, Keith the plane smooths out the turbulence to make his new friend Alex feel better, making me wonder if all flights would be incident-free if only the passengers bothered to make friends with the plane. After Keith talks about how lonely this late night flight would be without Alex, he “…begins to sense a magic between us that seems very real and very important.” Keith also drops the bomb that commercial flying is just a hobby for him, he really makes his fortune as a blackjack card counter, though he neglects to explain how the hell he gets his giant plane self to a table. Does a casino set up a table on the tarmac? Does a dealer sit inside the plane? Is there online blackjack? Can a plane use a computer? I’m thinking about this too much, aren’t I?
Needless to say, sparks fly between man and machine, which leads to some graphic sexy times at Keith’s Beverly Hills mansion. Full review
Has anyone seen Patti Smith and Chuck Tingle in the same room at the same time? I’m not saying they’re the same person, but they probably are.
I read the book title so many times out of bafflement and confusion that it should probably count as a CBR read itself. Just. WHAT.
Is this the same author of A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay? If so, I’ve read excerpts of that and…
that’s really all I can say.
I loved your review. Thank you for reading this book, you sweet, sweet person. No one should have to do that.
I don’t think so, however Mr. Tingle DID write “My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass” and “Space Raptor Butt Invasion”, so…there’s that.
Glorious! Thank you for reading and reviewing this so that we could relieve our own curiosity at your gentle and loving hands.
What is that rule that says if it exists there is a porn version of it? Ah the limitless bounds of human creativity. Thanks for taking this one on for the team!
That would be Rule 34. And there’s a book by Charlie Stross about it! (I read the first couple of chapters, and it actually looks pretty good.)
Best review ever. Welcome to the Unwilling Readers of Terrible Erotica Club. URTEC honours your sacrifice and bravery in the name of the great gods Not-Being-Able-To-Stop-Reading, Oh-My-Sides, and Seriously-What-The-Fuck-Was-This-Written-On-A-Dare.
Are there business cards? Do I have to read a certain number of these things a year to qualify as a member of URTEC? Because I don’t know if I can keep it up…
Keith could keep it up…
You’ll have to arrange your own business cards. URTEC has no quota per se, but at least one a year is expected. If you read more than 12, we will question your sanity.
I saw these books on Tumblr a few days ago and have been quietly WTF-ing ever since, so it was delightful to read this review. Thanks for taking this bullet for us.
Seriously, after a long and stressful day teaching the youth of tomorrow, your review made me laugh so hard and provided me with a much needed break. Also, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to complain about suspension of disbelief in the stories I read, because I’ve never had to wrap my brain around the thought of a commercial passenger jet and a dude romancing each other. I just can’t even…
Welcome to the Cannonball Read. I don’t think you need to worry about us judging you, we’re all so grateful you read this so we didn’t have to. The hilarious review where you share your woes is an added bonus.
Holy cow. I have totally got to rethink my whole “gay erotica featuring actual human beings” writing career. Obviously what I need to do is start writing “I’m a werewolf who is totally gay for my expensive coffee maker” erotica.
“Not many guys can page through the Ikea catalog and play F*ck, Marry, Kill with the kitchen spreads. But I’m not like other guys.”
I would buy that book the second it was published.
I would review that.
You have your opening line, the rest should flow naturally.
In today’s market, that’s clearly a brilliant book idea. I’m going to give you a free idea for the sequel – an angel and a roomba. Angels are very hot right now. The third part of the love triangle (cause yes, they’re still sadly a thing) can be a zombie.
All I ask is a small percentage of the profits. Say 25%?
This made me laugh so hard, I’m crying. Thank GOD all my co-workers are at a huge meeting right now, or there’d be some very embarrassing explaining to do. Thank you for forcing your eyes to read these pages in order to share this bowl of WTF with the rest of us :)
My first thought after reading that title was, “I sure hope the plane is a bottom.” You are my new favorite person. This is the greatest sacrifice anyone’s ever made, greater than Jesus dying for our sins.
She’s my new favorite person too. This just improved my day so very very much. Holy shit.
I’M DYING! Myself and two friends literally sat in a circle reading this on Sunday. Never thought it would show up on Cannonball Read. Like I said, DYING.
Favorite parts: the one you mentioned about how Alex is immediately like, “Oh, OF COURSE it’s the plane!”, finding out where exactly the plane’s butthole is…
Since Patty and *Name Redacted* are the same person, they could also be Mr. Tingle. I’m just saying. (Seriously though, I think we need to pressure Patty to write some reviews – although she’d have to work really hard to top this masterpiece.)
I laughed until I cried. Then I went to amazon and read all of his book titles and laughed and cried some more.
I, too, laughed until I almost fell out of my chair. When I read the title in the e-mail message, I thought ON a plane, not WITH a plane. Thanks for a great review that sparked great comments. Of course, now I’m trying to imagine “werewolf + expensive coffee maker” erotica.
Have you guys been to Chuck Tingle’s Amazon page? I … I just…no word…feeling…faint.
For starters, he has a PhD from DeVry. In holistic massage. That’s actually a thing that can happen, apparently. This is not his only book, and personally I have to say that Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting looks promising. Or maybe Space Raptor Butt Invasion.
I can’t tell if this guy is a really strange dude or he’s intentionally having a bit of fun here.
This looks like a case of “why not both?”
Oh, that was glorious!
Definitely seems like a ripoff of Max Wood’s book Billionaire sports car came to life and turned me gay, but I can’t say I’m not enjoying the sudden amount of object porn hehe.