Never has a book seduced me like this. It was page up and page down of sexy sexy seductioness. Christian wants Anastasia to eat all the food. Several times they eat pancakes and there is always bacon. They visit an IHOP for Christ’s sake! How is that fair to a girl like me, an ex-pat that can’t just visit an IHOP whenever I crave maple pancakes with delicious creamy syrup? How is my boyfriend supposed to compete with that? My relationship has lost its shine. It will simply never be the bacon-and-pancakes every morning that Christian can give Ana.
And she can’t even eat it? How cool is that? She is just like starving herself, and Christian keeps wanting to give her things. He gives her an entire closet full of clothes, but Ana is like, so, cool and not at all pretty. She has to borrow dresses! She wears sneakers and jeans! Only girls in dresses find love. Or maybe they don’t, maybe it’s just the skinny girls in jeans that are soooo clumsy that they fall and trip exactly once in the span of an entire novel.
And don’t think it’s just Ana and Christian that are interesting fully fleshed-out characters, that one can identify and empathise with. No, we also meet Ana’s inner Godness, a squealing happy little thing that I can only imagine as a tiny Tom Hiddleston jumping up and down with with pompoms, occasionally sqeeuing and saying things like “you go girl!”.
And then we have the vaguely slut-shaming and oddly sentient sub-conscious, that mainly hides behind couches and calls Ana a prostitute for accepting gifts from an obscenely rich person. Who is also a controlling stalker, but whatever, he says she’s beguiled him! He doesn’t want her to ever leave him! He just wants to always punish her if she does the smallest things to express personality. But, you guys…it’s because he really cares!
Also. Pancakes.
This is my favorite review of Fifty Shades of. Grey ever, ever, ever!
Thank you :) But seriously. It was a horrid book. Abhorrent, abominable, appalling, distasteful, dreadful, evil, foul, fulsome, gross, hideous, horrendous, loathsome, noisome, noxious,obscene, odious, rancid, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting. (See I, like the author, can also look up synonyms for commonplace words. Did you not find it made my reply more interesting? No…yeah, didn’t do anything for the book either.)
I just read your comment aloud to several Pajiban Cannonballers. We all fell over laughing and feel that you have made your reply more entertaining with your use of the thesaurus.
My inner Tom Hiddleston shakes his pompoms.
I almost fell out of my chair, I was laughing so hard.
No one else has focused appropriately on Tom Hiddleston’s role. Or pancakes.
Great review! I detest 50 Shades of Grey for about a million reasons, but that food issue is just genuinely WEIRD. Don’t even get me started on that fucking Inner Goddess.
That said, I am going to go make biscuits and gravy for lunch. Because: breakfast.
The whole book reads to me as an insecure woman’s fantasies of the ideal woman. It is full of things that women may or may not dream of and a woman who is so über ethical as to reject it all in order to save a man.
Awesome review!