A vampire named Gampire.

Okay, so. Look. This book. So good.  I mean, it just. It has no right to. Like. What. To be so good. Finding words? Like, it should NOT work. Brain trying to brain. Failing.

Fuck it. I’m not capable of being objective about this book. FIVE STARS.

But first before the actual review, two things, so I can feel I’ve said my piece:

1. This book is NOT Harry Potter fanfiction, and Simon and Baz are NOT Harry and Draco. They are just not. You will not have fun with the book if you think that is what’s happening here. HP and Harry and Draco fanfic certainly played a role in inspiring these characters, but they are by no means the only inspiration, which also includes plenty of elements original to this story in addition to pulling tropes willy-nilly from every Chosen One story and magical boarding school story in existence. This book is NOT Rainbow playing with other people’s characters and stories third-hand. It pulls all of those things together to create something NEW.
2. This book is NOT the eighth Simon Snow book as would have been released in Cath’s world in Fangirl, written by Gemma T. Leslie, nor is it Cath’s fanfiction, “Carry On, Simon.” This book is RAINBOW’S take on the characters and the story, and both of those previously mentioned versions presumably have different stories and endings than the version we get to read.

Now that we’re all on the same page, what this book is is wonderful. I loved it instantly. From the very first page, when Rainbow* starts riffing on established genre tropes, I was just like, YES.

*I call her Rainbow because we are best friends.

What’s genius about this book is that it’s purposefully designed to piggyback on all of your existing cultural knowledge of these kind of books, and to use that knowledge as a kind of shorthand context for the story. We don’t need to read about the previous seven years of Simon Snow’s time at school. We just need to know what those stories usually entail, and then we can move on to the really important stuff. Rainbow isn’t interested in telling seven other years of story, but she needs us to understand the world Simon and Baz live in. She’s much more interested in that moment where her characters and the idea of The Chosen One intersect. And of course as with all of her other books as well, she’s interested in human connection and love, in things that bring people together and keep them apart.

Most of that backstory occurs in the first fifty or so pages of the novel, at which point you slowly start to realize that all the assumptions you’ve brought with you in to the text (and which Rainbow encourages you to do) are completely wrong and are about to be undermined the hell out of. It’s also around that point that her characters stop being alternate versions of Harry/Draco/Hermione/Dumbledore, etc. SPOILER The one that sticks out the most is The Mage, Simon’s mentor (and secret father). Because everybody loves Dumbledore, we’re primed to love The Mage as well. Except, we don’t. And then we find out other stuff. And then he turns out to be exactly the opposite of Dumbledore, and that’s sort of the whole point. He becomes an indictment of the type of person/character who sees these Chosen Ones first as Chosen Ones and not as people. Also, Simon literally turning out to be the Chosen One, only because he’s also unknowingly the bad guy was pure deliciousness. END SPOILER

But let’s all be serious here for a second, because the real draw of this book that puts it over the top is absolutely the gay wizard romance aspect. I mean, this is probably one of the best most swoonworthy romances I’ve ever read hands down. Simon and Baz (especially Baz) are both just so flawed and lovable, and their connection is ADORABLE. I stayed up waaaaay too late in order to get to the kissing bits of the book, and it was so worth it. The reason they love each other just resonated with me so much, and it doesn’t hurt that the romance is paired with one of my very favorite storytelling devices ever, which is when characters re-evaluate each other, or go from hating/dis-liking to loving, because they really know the person now. It’s like Pride and Prejudice but with a Chosen One and a vampire instead of a really rich guy and a smart sassy lady.

For those of you worried about not having read any of her other books, specifically Fangirl (which has Simon Snow excerpts from the Gemma T. Leslie books and Cath’s fanfiction included), you have no cause for those worries. You can read this book without having read anything else she’s written. The thing that I would be worried about is not having read any Chosen One stories, again, just because she uses those stories as background for her own. But even then, this book might still be enjoyable for you for the character work alone.

Anyway, writing this review has made me want to re-read this book even though I only finished it a couple of weeks ago, but I know for a fact I’m not the only one who had this urge, so I don’t even feel bad. It’s now my second favorite book that she’s written, right behind Attachments. I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it out of 2015 without picking it up again, just because.