She Has a Blow Hole!

I picked up this snappily titled free book fully expecting to hate-read it, but I found that I didn’t actually hate it.  I even posted the blurb on fb and dared people to read it (all smug like).  But no one took me up on my jerky offer so I had to do it myself.  And you know what?  It offered everything the title said:  I got love,  I got lattes, and I was introduced to a mutant (in the form of a dolphgirl–yup, half dolphin, half human).   Listen, it’s no great work of literature but I had more fun with it than I thought I would.  I will make fun of it, however, because that’s how I roll ( also you kind of have to).

Piper is a dolphgirl. Let that sentence soak over you and then read this description:

Because of her super sexy eyes, her sea siren voice (what does that have to do with dolphins? IDK), and her blowhole (tell me you laughed at that blowhole sentence? I did!) she has to keep a very low profile at school.  So she dresses all frumpy-like to hide her banging dolph bod, she wears rose (?) colored glasses to disguise her sweet turquoise eye,s and she speaks with a lower tone as to hide her voice.  For years she has been able to fly under the radar that is until Holly and her twin brother Tyler (new kids in town) take interest in her.  Flustered by Tyler’s extreme hotness (and  Holly’s kindness) Piper lets her guard down and Tyler totally gets “sirened” leaving the reader privy to awesomely corny lines such as:

The two become an item although not really because Piper really needs to keep her secret.  Her mother and father died in a mysterious accident that seems to be a result of a high speed chase.   Living with her gramps, she wants to fly (swim?) under the radar to ensure their safety.  However, Piper tells us often how “gregarious” (read: horny) dolphins are and so she does embark on a lot of heavy petting with Tyler.  That gives us this HOT (unintentionally hilarious?) little scene:

Mark my words. If there ever actually  was a dolph girl, there’d totally be a new kind of porn…because that’s where my brain goes.  Anyways, while Piper totally wants to get gregarious with Tyler she knows that she cannot embark into a relationship with him unless she can trust him with her secret.  At this point, she can’t.  The teen romance part is whatevs, I think what hooked me was the parts where Piper uses her dolph skills to frolic with the ocean animals, save creatures and do just about everything you’d (I’d) ever want to do in the ocean without having to put on 50 lbs of scuba gear on (which I gladly do…but a blow hole? I think I want one now!).  Things are going great, she saves lots of animals and plays with dolphins, avoids Great Whites like a boss but then she saves a dolphin from a research boat and inadvertently draws the attention of some very bad people.

spoilers ahead. C’mon, you’re not ACTUALLY going to read this book right?)

Piper gets caught by the same group who created her mother.  She learns that there are other dolph kids–super sexy dolph boy Joel, and his sister Casey.  Both Joel and Casey know that they are prisoners on the ship, but they are comfortable prisoners and accept their pizza, xbox ,and super cool clothes without resistance because they were born and raised in captivity.  Piper? Not so much.  And it’s good that she realizes that being captive is a bad thing because Dr. Stranger (hahahahahahaha…was there ever a better sinister name than that?  Honestly, I was hoping he would twist his mustache maniacally, but he didn’t have a mustache…more’s the pity on that missing detail), has plans for her.  The dolph kids are being created and sold to various people internationally based upon their skills.  This was a little sketchy because aside from Piper, the dolph kids don’t really seem to have super marketable skills.  Sure, Joel can detect and identify chemicals in water, but so can I…with a kit…and I didn’t have to buy a dolph kid.  But rich people be crazy, amirite? And so someone’s out there buying dolph kids (I highly doubt this. I think Dr. Stranger just likes screwing around with dolphin and human DNA and pretends he’s selling them…but that’s just me).

Joel and Piper hit it off right of the bat because they are both half dolphin and half teenager which means that they totally want to bang way more than your average teenager I guess.  We don’t know much about Joel–but we know that he’s a way hot and super sexy dolph and that their brief, manufactured sexual tension lasted a whole fifteen pages before Piper has the chance to get off the boat.

Tyler and his convenient Navy SEAL uncle save her from the boat with a little bit of help from Joel.  She’s taken home, she’s safe, however, prior to her rescue Dr. Stranger had harvested one of her eggs for future IVF.  What’s he going to do with it now?  Presumably in book two, Piper is going to go back for her egg…and for Joel, to create the love triangle that seems necessary in all YA lit these days.  Tyler doesn’t necessarily know exactly what she is, but he understands that she has certain gifts and talents that are more than human.  He loves her voice, they make out a lot and therefore they have the potential of having a great human/dolphgirl relationship.  However, I sense she’s drawn now to Joel (who we know very little about other than he’s surfer boy hot and has dolphin DNA too) because she wouldn’t have to hide her true self.  We’ll never know because while this book was free, I don’t think I would spend…oh shit, mid writing this, I just read the first chapter of the next book for free at the back of the first book…I’m going to do this, aren’t I?  Damn it.  I’m so weak.

Try not to judge me.

 

I feel you judging.