Kidnapped the Wrong… eh, I give it trying to be witty. It’s all just bad.

Guys, I was taking one for the team here. The cover was beyond stupid (and a little creepy, is that her front or her back?), the description was ridiculous, and it looked like review gold. And then I read it. And it’s bad, it’s definitely bad, but not burn it down rage inducing. It was clearly a vanity project gone horribly wrong. Our intrepid author thinks she’s a better writer than she is, and desperately needs someone, ANYONE, to proofread. Oh goodness, someone had to take the mantle on this one. I’m going to try to review this critically, but hopefully without being spitefully mean.

 

The plot is dumb. Diona chases after her little sister who has run off to marry a Greek man she’s known for a week. Greek man’s big brother, Nikias, assumes Diona is her sister and tries to buy her off. She refuses, and so he “kidnaps” her. By the way, she looks nothing like her sister. You’d think he would be able to figure out he has the wrong one…

 

So now we come to the bullet points because I can’t do more:

 

• I’m not sure how much this constitutes a kidnapping. A note is slipped under Diona’s door inviting her to stay on “the island”. She goes. No complaints, no fuss. I wouldn’t really call that a kidnapping. Because she’s dumb enough to follow an unsigned note for no reason is completely on her. And causes me to worry for her patients back home (she’s a nurse).

 

• Three quarters of the entire book for some reason or another Nikias assumes Diona is lying to him. But his body can not resist her and vice versa. Can we all just say, ew? And also, how the heck do you build a relationship out of that?

 

• Diona’s characterization is problematic to say the least… She’s always “lovely” but never knows it, except every time she looks in the mirror she sees it. Also she’s literally all legs and perfect ass at 5’3”. Because sure! Although the best part is how her personality is boiled down to one sentence meant to imply her perfection in every way, “Diona, however, was more serious, choosing a small group of friends, preferring to work long hours as a nurse and to stay home.” She’s a Mary Sue, and I hate that term, but it’s the only way to describe her.

 

• This is for all romance novel authors out there, especially with contemporaries: can we really, really pretty please just be done with the whole hero grabs the heroine and kisses her, she fights against him, but can’t budge him and by that time his kisses have turned her into a raging sex monster? Because i’m done. Rando men grabbing and kissing women against their will, even if they are attracted to them, is not sexy. It’s gross. Please stop. Please.

 

• So obviously we’re dealing with characters, based on their names in Greece. Can I just say that the one thing I was looking forward to was the skimpy male swimsuits?! Wasted opportunity for a hero is all I’m saying. Daniel Craig in Casino Royale proves that the Euro style can work. Exhibit A.

 

• Okay, further random commentary, our plucky Greek named heroine is Scottish. And is developing quite a tan in Greece. Hahahaha. I’ve lived in Scotland. I know the truth.

• Another comment this one about the times that we are all usually vague about: missionary? The whole time? I mean, I know she’s a 24 year old virgin, but she’s gotta know there’s more options out there, right? Also our hero is supposed to be a playboy, you’d think he’d be more skilled?

 

• Also zero discussion of protection. Argh!

 

• Also also a chunk of this story is back in Glasgow, and it appears that Nikias knows all of the hot restaurants and everyone knows him there. Because billionaire Greek cruise ship magnates totally choose to regularly hang out in Glasgow. Because, sursies.

 

• The inconsistencies as whole. Our beloved heroine never drinks and is wasted then has a brutal hangover after two glasses of champagne, yet in Greece was drinking wine with every dinner in decent quantities.

 

• Now this is clearly self-published. There’s no way in hell an editor would have let this gone to print. But on top of that it doesn’t read like it was beta-read by anyone. There’s a complete disregard for grammar, misused words at regular intervals, and an idea that punctuation use is fluid and therefore not always necessary.

All of this boils down to, not good. It was bad, cliched, and needs someone to take a red pen to the entire thing. The only win I decided at the end was at least she wasn’t pregnant when he proposed. That was what I considered a victory here. So don’t waste your time. It’s not even campy/cheesy enough to be a good drinking game read.