So, gentle reader, the target of my blinding rage this time is not Pattykins. I know. I’m surprised, too. Instead, it was caused by someone I used to think of as one of the best people I know. USED TO.
It’s my fault, I suppose. I poked the bear by ranting about refusing to read Darker by E.L. James. It is the fifth installment in the Fifty Shades series, and the second time we’re hearing the story from Christian’s perspective. I know before reading the first word that it is going to be the written equivalent of a dumpster fire.
I’m ten pages in and nothing has changed. Christian is still a jerk with no real understanding of how BDSM is supposed to work and a penchant for stalkerish behavior. Ana is still a an idiot.
Oh, wait…
I WAS TOTALLY EXPECTING THAT.
According to the book, they’ve been broken up about a week. In that time Christian has had a seismic shift in how he feels about Ana. (His descriptor, not mine.) He has missed her “smart mouth” and making her kneel for him. He has missed dating her. He has purchased the publisher she works for so she can’t easily escape him this time.
I’m 25 pages in and spending so much time rolling my eyes and groaning that I look like a crazy person…
I mean, we’re supposed to believe that this relationship is healthy and sexy? Or at latest working toward the first while being the second?
Sorry, boys and girls. Healthy relationships don’t work as they are described in this book. I don’t have a problem with BDSM romances. They aren’t my cup of tea, but I’ve read enough well written ones to know that this is not an accurate portrayal of safe, sane and consensual with open communication between those involved. It is, instead, this:
Where is Fairuza Balk these days? I need Crazy Nancy to put a curse on he who inflicted this on me.
HE BETTER BE. I’m not reading anymore. I don’t have to. It’s not like this steaming pile of shit is going to improve. I just don’t understand why the readers of EL James haven’t caught on to the fact that she has essentially found a way to make them pay for the same book twice. And it’s not like it’s GOOD.
Hey, so totally unrelated to this review, does anybody know of a contractor who has experience building hidden bunkers? Asking for a friend who might hypothetically need to get off the grid for a minute…
A bunker won’t protect you from Nancy…
I’m impressed that you made it to page 25!
I could never understand the fanaticism about this series – once was bad enough, but to fleece the fans twice for the same drivel is mind boggling. But I guess James is laughing all the way to the bank!
Confession: I read Grey not that long ago (it was FREE) and even though it was AWFUL I still haven’t written my review. Also, I felt like it just…ended? I couldn’t remember the way the original ended but I felt like it was wrapped up a bit more than this.
Also, it was awful.
Christian is like a toddler but with money and the ability to know about sex.
And he’s a stalker.
And he’s awful.
And Ana has about as much personality as a wet noodle.
But props to you for attempting this dreck!
What I don’t understand about this series is how she’s not bored of her own characters and story by now. I guess if it makes you millions . . . but still. How mind numbing to keep telling the same story over and over.
Just saw a promo for the latest movie version (in front of Ladybird . . . go figure) and couldn’t help the bubble of hysterical laughter that burst out of me, which caused me and my sister to giggle through the whole preview . . . much to the annoyance of some audience members behind us.
slow clap for your fabulous gif review! It was glorious.
This is the best possible response to drivel like EL James, it is a cross that literature has to bear. Loved the gifs, the exasperation is real!