Are you a sad cat lady? Do you fantasize about wearing pantaloons every time you thumb through your dog-eared copy of Pride and Prejudice? Have you worn out your copy of the Colin Firth DVD and hide it in the plants because you think it’s porn? If your answer to all of these questions is YES, then by all means, Austenland is for you!!!!
Okay, I can’t continue this farce. That book pissed me off ten ways to Sunday. Shall we count the ways it aggravated my rage?
1. Jane Hayes is a 34-year-old Singleton (in the words of my friend Bridget Jones, whom I don’t hate) whose ideal is Mr. Darcy. So much so that she cannot, in fact, sustain a normal relationship with a man. All men are held up to the candle of Colin-Firth-as-Darcy’s white hot flame. I have so many problems with this premise:
A. Has she seen The English Patient? That will cure her Colin Firth sex fantasies. Seriously, he’s kind of skeezy when he’s a jilted husband. Colin, I love you. Call me.
B. Did she stop reading at Pride and Prejudice? Because I know more than one woman who will gladly accept Captain Wentworth or Henry Tilney into her pantaloons. I mean, for realz:
Looking at Feild-as-Tilney, my stays have already magically (and conveniently) loosened themselves.
C. Does having Regency sex fantasies automatically disqualify you from being able to have a normal sex life like a normal human being? No. It does not. Let’s be real here.
2. Jane Hayes hides her copy of Pride and Prejudice because she thinks it’s porn. Awwwwww. She’s so sheltered. She’s probably the kind of lady who thinks that saying “bloody” is okay swearing (because it’s period appropriate!), and is too embarrassed to say “penis,” even though it’s an anatomically correct word. I really hate that this infantilized view of sexuality is being perpetrated, and Austen is becoming the fingerprints on the gun, so to speak. Again, I know more than one woman who enjoys Austen but also enjoys dancing and/or naked men:
I get repeat, covert viewings of Magic Mike, because let’s face it, you watch it because you want to see a glimpse of Joe Mangienello’s penis or Matt Bomer’s sculpted buns more than you are a fan of Steven Soderbergh (which is okay. Not judging). I do not get hiding Pride and Prejudice in your potted plant. Unless, of course, you masturbate furiously to the Darcy-wet-t-shirt-scene and feel guilty about pleasuring yourself. Which, c’mon. Everyone has their thing. I am not judging you for having Colin Firth sex fantasies.
But still. Not actual porn.
3-10 The rest of the book is a blandly boring blur of rom-com clichés. Of course, we all get to enjoy the “fun” of several hot guys competing for the exciting-as-oatmeal heroine. Hooray. Seriously, I am tired of dishwater heroines living these dream fantasies. Give me a girl I can root for.
And this is why I do not read Austen knockoffs.
*Don’t even get me started on the Austenland movie.
This review is hysterical and I enjoyed it immensely.
But this heroine doesn’t sound bland, she sounds emotionally stinted. If you are an adult and you feel that P&P is porn and can’t sustain a normal relationship because of your fantasy obsession with a literary character, your chances for a HEA are exactly zero. Sounds like she needs some intensive therapy and a few years to process her issues before worrying about romance.
Clearly she is damaged because Captain Wentworth is totally an acceptable Darcey substitute. Why is this even a question!
Amazing review! You make so many good points, although I think you may be overly harsh on cat ladies I’m pretty sure your average crazy cat lady has a much healthier fantasy life than the heroine of this novel. (I do get that you were making a joke, but still, as an aspiring cat lady – the husband and I have two so far, I read oh so many romances – that’s a good start, right? I felt the need to stick up for them). Everything I’ve heard about this book (not to mention the film) has convinced me that I need to stay far far away from it. Thank you for reading and reviewing it so the rest of us don’t have to.
I really didn’t mean to bag on cat ladies at all. I know lots of them myself, and they’re all awesome people. My friend H, for example, just got a smartphone, and she calls it her “cat instagram machine.” Awesome.
I should have made a distinction in my review between regular, awesome cat ladies and what I’m calling the SAD cat ladies–women who are repressed or overly idealistic about love, you know the popular romcom or *Twilight* tropes that are just so repulsive and insulting to women everywhere.
My apologies to cat ladies who may have been offended by my snark.
So, this was awesome.
Why on earth would anyone dream of dressing up as a Regency heroine? The clothing is HIDEOUS!
Actually, if it weren’t for all the petticoats and stuff, I wouldn’t rule out dressing in Regency outfits. With my figure, low cut empire-waisted gowns are EXTREMELY flattering. I just don’t have the patience for or interest in cos-playing.
I find that even with the upper maximizing, as it were, the clothing, in particular the non-formal clothing, makes everyone look like a little girl.
But I love bustles, so what do I know.
saying “bloody” is okay swearing (because it’s period appropriate!)
pun intended?
Does the heroine understand the etymology of “pornography”? Does she even understand the concept of smut? I find myself curious as to how she functions in a normal job in the normal world, but then again, it is my habit to ponder on inconsequential details of books I’ll never read. (really must break myself of that habit!)
Yeah, that was pretty bland and ludicrous.
I also don’t understand how Austen has become this cliché in the mind of people. Anyway. My favourite Austen is Persuasion. There. :b
I’ve heard good things about Hale’s kid lit, but all my experiences with her so far have been her adult literature, which I have a similar reaction to yours. (Just stay far, far away from The Actor & The Housewife.) Naive, sort of pathetic heroines. Cliched storytelling that’s unaware how cliche it is.
She’s a Mormon writer, so I wonder how much of her worldview sinks into her books (in terms of the sheltered protagonist thing). Do Mormons watch porn? I mean, obviously there are Mormons who watch porn, but I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon. Maybe Darcy-as-porn is as far as it goes without being inappropriate to her audience?
I still plan on reading this later this year because I am a masochist.
P.S. Malin: Thank you for standing up for cat ladies. We appreciate it.
I think, considering the amount of romance I read, that I qualify as an honorary cat lady, even though I only own two and am fortunate enough to actually have landed myself a husband (although I did marry my first and only boyfriend, that’s probably cat ladyish in itself). So I’m really only standing up for myself. ;)
It’s ironic that JJ Feild starred in Austenland, the movie, as the resident Mr. Darcy. Poor sop obviously needed a paycheck.
Darcy is the least swoon-worthy Jane Austen protagonist, I really don’t understand the fascination (based solely on the books, because Colin Firth and his manly chest hair sell the hell out of that role).