DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

If you’re ever having a bad day, you could do worse than self-medicating with maybe a hot bath or some hot cocoa or ice cream or soft pajamas or episodes of Gilmore Girls, but maybe also think about adding Texts From Jane Eyre in there as well. There were parts of this book that made me laugh until tears squeezed out of my eyeholes.

There were also other parts, mostly to do with classics and mythology, that made me glad I have my friendly Google machine at my disposal. (I’m still not quite sure I understand the Dido joke.)

For those of you who somehow don’t know of her, Mallory Ortberg is the editor of The Toast, and her “Texts From” series is what inspired this book. There are some classic ones from the website in the book, but there is also quite a bit of new material as well, so it’s definitely worth checking out. I also think it’s worth owning a copy just so you can have all this wonderfulness collected together in one place, which is especially handy for aforementioned self-medicating.

Probably my favorite part about this book, aside from the mangled but affectionate way Ortberg translates these characters into text form, is how delightfully eclectic the assortment of characters and stories she’s put together are. We’ve got texts from Dido and Medea and Hamlet and John Keats and Sherlock Holmes right alongside texts from Ron and Hermione, the Babysitters Club and the Hunger Games. Some of the characters get recurring chapters because they just have so much to say (of course Hamlet is one of these, as is a surprisingly hilarious Daisy Miller, which in hindsight I shouldn’t be surprised about because Henry James is THE WORST and of course Ortberg would have a field day with him).

I suppose this book wouldn’t play as well for people who aren’t at least marginally well-read, especially the more esoteric references (the one about John Keats being obsessed with the urn OH MY GOD). But even the ones I didn’t know very well, like Medea for example, were still hilarious because Ortberg makes jokes that are funny even if you don’t necessarily get what she’s referencing.

And now I will close this review by quoting an obscene amount of chapters. Hopefully this still constitutes Fair Use.

Sherlock Holmes:

there’s only one thing we’re missing

only one thing we need that will help us solve this case

we need to question Lady Emily again

no, Watson

oh
it’s not
. . .

COCAINE, WATSON

ah

we’re going to need loads of cocaine
SCADS of it

—

JOHN
JOHN
DID YOU KNOW
THEY MAKE COCAINE
THAT YOU CAN SMOKE

good god Sherlock where have you been

you can just smoke it
it’s incredible

tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

they call it crack and it’s marvelous

just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

I’M NEVER LEAVING
do you have any idea how much cocaine they have here

I imagine quite a lot

QUITE A LOT
you can bring me my violin if you want
and my hat

do you want anything else?

no
just the violin and my hat and a big old mess of cocaine
that’s all I need

what about the mystery

hang all mysteries
the only mystery I want to solve
is how much cocaine I can fit in my face
they mystery of how much face cocaine I can have
that’s the mystery for me

Lord Byron:

I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it

okay

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tributeto the memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME

no sorry

fuck 
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

Jane Eyre:

JANE
MY LITTLE SUNBEAM
WHERE ARE YOU
I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

I’m taking a walk
be back for dinner

AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE
COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN
RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE  RUINED WOODS

do you really want me to describe my walk to you

MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH

it is fairly cloudy out
looks like rain soon

AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE
SHOULD RETURN
TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER
SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES
MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST

all right

—

JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

i am with my cousins

WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE

Please don’t try to talk to me again

IT IS YOUR SEXY COUSIN
“ST. JOHN”
WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN

I’m not going to answer that

I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

yes
absolutely

BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON’T CROSS ME
HAHA I’M ONLY JOKING