The perfect poolside summer smut.

Apparently “mom porn” is a totally legit “literary” genre now, and the lemon grove is a perfect example of the tedious tawdriness that is the genre. It iswell-written, but not quite enjoyable. It is sexy but not overtly so. The story is based in a serious family drama, but it never feels quite explored. Not quite sexy, not quite serious.

I liked it and disliked it, the words of both love and hate being too strong. The plot is simple. Jenn is on holiday in Mallorca with her husband Greg and is joined by his daughter and her boyfriend. There is an instant attraction and a weird, tawdry affair starts after about 100 pages of family drama.

We sense this immediate drama when Jenn is engaged in a sartorial struggle; Greg prefers the white summer dress, but she really wants to wear jeans. I suppose it’s supposed to say something about the give and take of a relationship, of making an effort, but what we really learn is that Jenn has big boobs. Boobs that are perky because she never had children, something that she is sad about. At least she has boobs though, a fact mentioned so often they are probably their own character. It is mentioned as though it is the only redeeming character trait that Jenn has, which it probably is. She is selfish and self-absorbed and engages in a sexual relation with her daughter’s boyfriend.

So let’s talk about this affair, that never quite becomes believable. For starters, the first time he sees her she’s sleeping by the poolside with her boobs hanging out, sorry, I mean her large, still firm, because they’re childless, boobs. Imagine the sexiness of a 17-year old staring at his girlfriend’s stepmom’s boobs. Hubbahubba.

So then she finally sees him and is instantly driven mad with lust and although she sometimes says “Oh I really shouldn’t” she’s like a greedy little child with her hands deep in the cookie jar of sex while her mouth is still stuffed with the sandwich of regret.

And I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to talk about the excruciating, dry anal sex that takes place because the 17-year old who’s banging half of Mallorca is all upset that he doesn’t get his girlfriend’s mom all to himself. So they have dry anal sex in a storm on the patio of the house she’s renting with her husband. Afterwards they eat a bunch of ham.

Look this book obviously works. Helen Walsh made me want to know what happened (did Jenns boobs finally drop?), her writing is decent, although a tad too literary – just smut it up, Walsh; Once you do dry anal sex there’s really no need to be coy and talk about the light in the lemon grove.

Buy it for your mom, or someone that legitimately thinks 50 shades is sexy.

This review is also present on my blog ladyscribble.com. So…now you know.