It’s the kind of story that keeps parents up at night. After Anne and Marco Conti’s babysitter cancels at the last minute, the couple argues about what to do. Anne wants to cancel their dinner date next door. Her neighbor Cynthia has made it very clear their six-month old daughter Cora is not welcome. Marco convinces Anne to go anyway. They’ll bring the baby monitor. They’ll check on their daughter every thirty minutes. She’ll be fine.
Annie, wine-drunk, struggling with postnatal depression and watching her husband flirt with her hot-ass neighbor wants to leave after a few hours. It was a mistake to leave Cora. It keeps churning around in her head: What kind of mother would leave her child? She finally convinces Marco to leave and they come home to a slightly ajar door. Marco suggests she forgot to lock it. “After all” he points out (dickishly) “you have been drinking.” Of course, she didn’t leave the door open. They get to the nursery and the crib is empty. Cora is missing.
All of this happens in the first chapter. Detectives come pouring in, discovering unidentified tire tracks in the garage and a disabled motion detector. They can’t find any evidence anyone else was in the house and the Conti’s soon find themselves under suspicion. Throw in some weird neighbors, Romney-rich in-laws and of course…SECRETS. Gotta have your secrets.
The book was captivating for awhile, but eventually became unbearably boilerplate. In my boredom, I started playing Thriller Bingo, looking for all of the tropes on display. Missing child? Check. A police force that couldn’t investigate its way out of an Encyclopedia Brown book? Check.The couple that seems to have it all? Check (also, can we put that tired concept to rest? No one has it all, and if your book’s synopsis starts with that sentence, I reserve the right to hide your book in the arts and craft section of my local library). Mousy woman struggling with basic human tasks? Check. Dumbass husband in over his head? Checkaroo…oh Marco, you bad boy.
But my biggest problem with “The Couple Next Door” wasn’t that it was derivative. Rather, this book deteriorated as it went on, culminating in a ludicrous finale that comes out of nowhere. No spoilers, but the last chapter simply makes no fucking sense.
To sum up: “The Couple Next Door” was trashy but not the fun kind of trashy. The characters were unlikable but not the fun kind of unlikable. The twist endings were fucking nuts but definitely not the fun kind of fucking nuts. This book is like if Lifetime took itself seriously. And no one wants that.
*Also, sorry I was gone so long!!! I quit my job, and moved, then unpacked, then started the hunt for a new job…plus, I’m super lazy. But I missed you nerds!*
“A police force that couldn’t investigate it’s way out of an Encyclopedia Brown novel” is one of the sickest burns I’ve heard in a while. I love it.
“Mousy woman struggling with basic human tasks? ” made me think of the entire plot being made up of “As Seen on TV” scenarios trying to sell people jar openers and snuggies. “Can you not open a jar? Can you not wear a blanket? Can you not figure out life?”
She really was a walking “THANKS OBAMA!”
I want to know the ending and the twist!! Spoil it for me!!!! PLEASE!
Buckle up… SPOILERS (obviously) (also, don’t bother with this book)
So the whole time, Anne is wondering if she hurt her child any somehow forgot about it. It turns out, she’s had some dissociative issues in her past, like the time she beat the snot out of some high school mean girl and couldn’t remember doing it.
MEANWHILE
Marco organized the fake kidnapping so he could get more money out of his father-in-law to save his failing business. He gives the baby to a guy he knows and the plan is to split the $5 million ransom down the middle.
BUT
The guy who took the baby was actually working for the father-in-law who wasn’t as rich as he looked. FIL was going to use the kidnapping to a) stick it to Marco and b) steal the money from his wife (?) who I guess was independently wealthy and planning on leaving him.
ALSO
Their neighbor Cynthia came on to Marco the night Cora was “kidnapped.” Turns out, she set up a secret camera so she could sex Marco good and then she and her husband could watch it together. She looks at the footage and sees Marco handing over the baby. She attempts to blackmail him. That plot line doesn’t really go anywhere. ALSO ALSO she is having an affair with the FIL.
NOW THE FINAL TWIST
Cora’s home safe. Marco cut a deal with the prosecutors. FIL is in jail. Anne goes to Cynthia’s house to confront her for trying to seduce her husband, and accuses her of being involved in the kidnapping. Cynthia’s all “nah if I were involved, we would have just killed your stupid brat” Anne has another dissociative episode and stabs Cynthia to death. As she starts to come to, ambulances and cops are there. She turns to her husband and asked him what happened.
THIS IS A DUMB ENDING THAT IS ALL.
Could YOU just rewrite the book? Because I think I would read your retelling for sure
I think I’d love to watch this on Lifetime but you’re right…straight up garbage! Haha. Sorry you had to read it :)