NKOTB > BSB > ‘NSYNC

When I was twelve and thirteen, I loved New Kids on the Block. Specifically, I loved Donnie Wahlberg. Like, with a passion that only thirteen year old girls harbor. I wasn’t as bad as my friend Heather, who loved Jordan Knight so much that the had the sheets and pillowcases and sleeping bag and shoestrings, but I loved him exactly as much as my parents (and their budget) would allow. I saw them in concert three times (my father is a SAINT; he’s the one who took my friends and me all three times), and specifically chose my outfit based on the colors that Teen Bop told me were Donnie’s favorites. Because, you know, he’d notice me out of a crowd of 20,000 other girls. Of course, he did not notice me, and instead went on to marry Jenny McCarthy, a terrible transgression for which I’m not sure I can forgive him.

I tell you all this because while I wouldn’t have kidnapped Donnie (or the others), some of my friends *cough*Heather*cough* may have. I also probably wouldn’t have gone along with the kidnapping out of fear of getting grounded like I did when I got caught sleeping out for tickets, but man, I’d have been super jealous. But our protagonist in Kill The Boy Band – alternately known as Sloane Peterson or Diane Court – has no such parental fear, and goes along with it. Along with three friends, she rents a room at the very same Manhattan hotel where their favorite band, The Ruperts – clearly a One Direction knock off – is staying. Through a convoluted series of events, they wind up kidnapping “the most useless” Rupert, Rupert K, whose talent lies not in singing or boy band dancing but in juggling.

So the girls have Rupert K tied up in their hotel room while the other Ruperts are waiting for him at the television station; they’re set to do a live gig on national tv. Isabel has tweeted from Rupert K’s phone that he’s quitting, Apple has taken selfies with a tied-up (and now un-blindfolded) Rupert K, Erin is determined to out him, and our still unnamed heroine is realizing that things are beginning to go off the rails. She escapes down to the hotel bar and later the roof, where her plan to get the girls out of the room so she can set Rupert free is momentarily forgotten when she meets her own favorite Rupert and has a moment with him. When she returns to the room, Rupert K’s girlfriend has shown up and they can’t seem to shake her, and then things start to take a very dark turn.

Kill the Boy Band is Heathers meets Jawbreaker meets Very Bad Things set to an ‘NSYNC and BSB soundtrack. It’s definitely for a very specific niche audience, although I think that any former boy band lover will appreciate the way Moldavksy captured the fervor of fan girls.

Also, I want to put a post script on this review and tell you all that I saw New Kids on the Block a couple of weekends ago, along with Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men and I’m not even a little bit ashamed about that. I didn’t wear Donnie’s favorite colors (black and gold!), but I for damn sure squealed and clutched at my sister’s arm when I saw him posing for selfies with the bitches who got floor seats.

Also also, gratuitous concert photo, cause I’m a big dork.

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