I would like to drown everyone in this book in a vat of eggnog. (Featuring bonus gifs to make me feel better.)

I was super excited when I saw this at my local bookstore. One of my all-time favorite classics, modernized and gender-swapped, set at Christmas, and with a cute cover. This was going to be great.

SPOILER: THIS WAS NOT GREAT.

This was absolutely awful. The worst. The writing was terrible and amateurish. The plot points were forced, like they were simply following a checklist of things that Jane Austen originally wrote. Every single character was a horrible human being that I never wanted to know.

Darcy Fitzwilliam is a privileged 1%-er who makes millions of dollars running some fancy hedge fund in NYC. She comes from big money — The Fitzwilliams are the second richest family in Ohio — but was disinherited by her dad when she wouldn’t marry boring and wealthy Carl 9 years ago. She packed up her bags, moved to New York, and magically started to make millions without her daddy’s help.

When Darcy’s mom has a heart attack the week before Christmas, Darcy jets home for the first time since her dad’s ultimatum. And at her family’s extravagant holiday party, she drunkenly makes out with her handsome but not-rich neighbor, Luke Bennett, whom she hates and has hated since high school.

Blah blah blah.

Everyone in the world knows what will happen in this story, which is fine. I don’t have a problem with Darcy and Luke ending up together and making each other better people. I just hated how it was presented and written.

Here are a few of the horrible things that I can’t accept:

First of all, what airline offers a “redeye” flight from Laguardia to rural Ohio? This is not a thing that exists and I couldn’t get past it.

Secondly, what sane human being thinks they can waltz into a public school on CHRISTMAS DAY, have the doors be unlocked, and the front office staffed? And why make this seemingly sane public school principal so willingly accept a bribe from Darcy? NO.

Why does one of Darcy’s brothers need to be named William Fitzwilliam? And why did she need to have brothers at all? She didn’t mention them until they started texting her with gossip about the commotions she caused with her drunken make out sessions.

Why did there need to be two brothers (one Fitzwilliam and one Bennett) named James? THIS WAS SO LAZY.

We did not need two separate scenes in restaurants where Darcy was so flustered she couldn’t read the menu and just ordered random items.

Darcy cheers herself up by getting in bed and watching Gilmore Girls, yet she calls the show DULL. Not on my watch, Darcy.

Nobody on the planet drinks as much eggnog as these people did. They all deserve heart attacks.

Darcy ends up naming her baby daughter after her assistant, Millie. BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANY GIRLS NAMES. Supposedly she is a super brilliant business woman WHO DOESN’T KNOW GIRLS NAMES. I CANT.

Lastly, my biggest issue with this book was that Darcy was a nasty human being. Her family was also terrible. And Luke wasn’t so great either. They both got involved with engagements with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and then hurt those innocent people for no good reason. I guess we’re supposed to think Darcy is awesome and selfless for buying her assistant a diamond necklace, but I do not.

Darcy’s dad was a nightmare. His lame ass apology to her for cutting her off so long ago “oh, hey sorry about that, but I love you and its all good” made me want to punch him in his privileged face. I hated them all.

Of course, I should have listened to yesknopemaybe when she warned us not to read this. My bad.