- Before conception
Hi there! So we gather you want to get pregnant. That’s just awesome. Isn’t life just awesome? Make sure you see your doctor first, though, and make sure you are up to date with all your vaccinations. You wouldn’t want to catch the Hanta virus, Dengue fever, Malaria, African Tripanosomiasis or any of the other rampant and extremely dangerous diseases that regularly occur on the North American mainland, now would you? Also, you should probably make an appointment with your dentist. Pregnancy will make all your teeth fall out, and your dentist won’t even look at your teeth when you’re knocked up. It has been statistically implied that visits to the dentist during pregnancy will kill you and your unborn child.
Oh, and lose some weight, fatso.
- Conception
It’s a little hard for us to pretend you usually don’t need sex to get pregnant, but by Jove, we shall try!
- The first trimester
Congratulations! You are going to die pregnant! You are now a vessel of the utmost importance. Your body is a temple and deserves nothing but the best. NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?!
First of all, you’re probably going to miscarry and die. If you don’t miscarry and die, it’s probably a molar pregnancy, which will also kill you, just in a very slow way.
TO DO: pick up your phone and make a panicked phonecall to your OBGYN in the middle of the night to ask about molar pregnancies.
So you didn’t miscarry and it wasn’t a molar pregnancy? Huh. How about that. Good for you. Let’s talk birth defects.
Prenatal screening makes you a horrible human being. What, you’re too good for a handicapped child?
What, no prenatal screening? You’re so selfish for wanting a handicapped child. Do you know the pressure it puts on society? Not to mention on your relationship. Your husband will probably leave you but hey, at least you’ll feel like a saint.
You’ll probably puke your guts out for a couple of weeks on end. Please remember to eat healthily while you do so.
- The second trimester
PUT DOWN THAT HAMBURGER, YOU DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING. You are poisoning your child. Eat a carrot and some oats instead. Don’t you feel better now? Why have cookies and pizza when you can have carrots and oats?
Pelvic pain is entirely normal and just means you’re going to die. Contact your OBGYN straightaway.
Whatever your weight gain, it’s probably too much or not enough.
TO DO: pick a fight with your partner about his maturity levels. Binge on something. Feel like crap about it. AS WELL YOU SHOULD BECAUSE HOW DARE YOU POISON YOUR CHILD YOU SELFISH BRAT I BET YOU’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED YOU WHORE.
TO DO: start buying crap you don’t need now. After all, you want to be ready for the baby to come early because absolutely nothing in your pregnancy will go the way it ought to. Trust us, we’re specialists.
- Third trimester
Time to give birth. You’ll probably die. Your child will also die. It’ll be the most magical experience of your life. Also, the last. Probably.
Want a C-section? You probably need one. Doesn’t mean you’re not a lazy shit, though.
Don’t want a C-section? Fine, but don’t even think about getting an epidural. Tough it out. Epidurals will cause you to die or, at the very least, paralise you. They will also kill your baby.
You should probably hire a doula. They don’t to jack, but it’s good for the economy.
- After birth
Congrats, you made it! Here are one hundred and one ways to kill your child that you will probably fall prey to.
We’re so glad you enjoyed our book. Please also buy the follow-up: What to expect when you’re expecting death: 101 more exciting ways in which your child will die after infancy.
This is EXACTLY how I felt when I read that.
EXCELLENT review!
This is perfect! This book is the absolute worst and people need to stop giving it as a present. The thing is a bomb, not a gift. I am someone who is usually oblivious to the idea that something bad could happen to me (in any situation) so when I started reading this I REALLY started reading it. I highlighted parts where I assumed that I probably was going to die and kind of just prepped for it. Then I watched emergency situations on Discovery Health where moms and babies were like THIS CLOSE TO DYING…and then I started having panic attacks for the first time in my life and my husband child-locked me from all health related shows. But there was still the Internet!! So I went there and continued to have panic attacks.
Then I had a baby and I didn’t die (came close though but not for any of the reasons in the book!) . I repeated the process two more times, and still didn’t die. Go me!
I read one page of this pre arrival of little one said “NOPE!” A la Lana Kane and have never looked back. I’m so glad I made the right choice.
I hate this book with the fire of a thousand suns. Because I am a believer in things I read in books (a condition for which I have since received treatment) this book had me in a whirlwind of panic during pregnancy #1 – all consumed meet had to be cooked into shoe leather before consumption, lethal cheeses avoided, etc. Am entirely with you on team NOPE.
I have never had a baby, but this review is excellent.
As someone who has had a baby and also read this book, I can confirm that this review is SPOT ON.
Hahaha this was very well done.
I love this review, you totally nailed it from what I have heard. I’m currently expecting my first but luckily all my friends have already had children and warned me away from this book. Why do they even allow it to be published anymore and is there actually someone who finds it helpful? I read the Mayo Clinic guide which does include some worst-case-scenario things, but is more of a scientific approach. Things are more informative than warning, such as: this is what is happening to you now, here’s what the baby is growing now, etc. It’s hard enough being pregnant sometimes, there is no need to make you live in fear of tap water.
Beth Ellen, did I managed to pawn this one off on you? Damn thing sat on my shelf not read beyond scary chapter one, and no one would take it off my hands. I think the word about how bad it is has been spreading – hopefully with the help of beautiful reviews like this one. By the time I *did* have a complication with my pregnancy I knew better than to touch this one as a resource. LOVE this review! You are doing important work here.
You did! Thankfully I didn’t actually open it till 9 months in so I read a page there and then never again. It kept me from reading any baby books whatsoever. I think we shall recycle. Good to reuse trees.
I love everything about your review, from the title onwards. I laughed so hard. So incredibly funny. I have yet to be pregnant (but after years of trying, the husband and I now have medical science to help us magic a baby), but if I’m ever lucky enough to concieve, I will stay far away from this book (I was going to anyway, having already heard bad things) and give a scowly side-eye to anyone who tries to gift it to me or suggest I read it.
Good to know that when/if Mr D and I have a little one to skip this.
Also, I love that you categorized it as suspense
This has solidified my choice to never be pregnant. Thank you.
MacrameTrumpToupee <- FANTASTIC :)
This review is an excellent revenge for any panic attacks reading the book induced. Brilliant!
When I worked in a bookstore, I steered many well-meaning people away from this horror show. I only wish I could have done more so it would go out of print.
We use this book (and The DaVinci Code) as props to hold our washing machine level off the floor. Best use of it.
This book. THIS BOOK. Makes me so angry. Thank you for tearing it down in the way it so richly deserves.
It used to give me nightmares far worse than any Stephen King book.
And so we threw it away and now we have three kids who are living and breathing and I am not dead either. Phew. Glad we beat those slender odds.
I read this book, and despite being laden with ways I might die, it did not mention EITHER of the ways I almost did. Also zero mention of half the crap that I went through. It was absolutely useless except as a harbinger of doom, and I had friends and family more than willing to tell me their horror stories. (Seriously, don’t ever do that to a pregnant woman. I mean it.) Why anyone still recommends this book is a mystery. On the other hand, I’m sharing this review, because it was perfect.
I just gave this book to a friend. Yes, I’ve read it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
I read this last year and tried to write a review but my drafts never quite conveyed how deeply I just could *not* with this book, and I never posted it. Luckily, you have done it better than I could have, and I will be sending this to everyone who asks about this book from now on. Bravo!