As a disclaimer, this is a review for a DNF. I just can’t. It isn’t the light fluffy thing I was hoping for, and… I just… no. (And yes, baxlala, I was inspired by your review titles!)
Our story revolves around Madeline Hanna. Sh
e is a senior English Major graduating from Brown. (Fancy!) We also have the rest of our love triangle, Leonard Bankhead (a Biology/Philosophy major) and Mitchell Grammaticus (a Religious Studies major), also at Brown. The boys are both a little strange, but Mitchell in a good way and Leonard in a weird way. I sometimes like Mitchell, but I can’t seem to stand 
Leonard and Madeline. I want to smack them both upside the head and tell them to stop being dumb and effing up their lives. You’re graduating from freaking BROWN! You have a world of opportunity open to you, and you seem to be wasting it! Madeline is the worst at planning for her future. She has pinned her hopes on getting into Yale for grad school, and that apparently was her only real plan. Mitchell has plans to take a year off and travel (awesome!) and Leonard has work set up.
From what I can tell about Leonard, he’s kind of a strange, eccentric jerk. He slept around a lot freshman year (fine) and can be quite entertaining, but there’s something off about him. He doesn’t treat Madeline particularly well, and I really don’t know what she sees in him. Even his friends tell her not to get back together with him. (Something I’ve heard many people say – if the guy’s friends tell you that you’re better off without said guy, listen to them!) He has some legit issues, but that’s no excuse to act like an asshat.
Mitchell is kind of sweet, kind of naive, and kind of pathetic. He’s been pining after Madeline for
years, and is convinced he wants to marry her someday. He’s been following after Madeline off and on like a puppy… it’s kind of sad. And yet he seems to 
be more in the ‘real world’ than the others. He is offered an amazing opportunity on a silver platter, and actually considers it! He has made real plans for after graduation!
Madeline, I can’t stand. She is dumb and pathetic and selfish. She seems to be obsessed with Barthe’s A Lover’s Discourse and the idea of love. To be fair, that is the topic of her senior thesis. But she goes way too far into it. She carries the book around with her and cries into it. She is thrown into a depression for three weeks after breaking up with Leonard and can barely function. You are in college. GET OVER IT! You’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and he’s really no prize. You can do better! Oh, and she’s aware she’s been stringing Mitchell along. She knows he’s a good guy, but that’s why she “won’t fall in love with him.” Nope. And after what she does on graduation day, I just can’t.
There’s a word that’s floating around Goodreads reviews of this book, and that is pretentious. It is the
perfect word to describe the book. While we’re at Brown, there are names being dropped like flower petals at a wedding. Names and theories I’ve never even heard of, let alone understand. I recognize maybe 1 out of every 20. My English major friends might recognize more, but I’m almost certain not all of them. The book takes place in 1982, so maybe some of the theories were popular then. The author lists them off in strings like a strand of pearls that the mere peasants that most of us are could not possibly afford or understand. (Wait a minute. I just looked at his bio. Jeffery Eugenides graduated from Brown in 1983. This now explains many things. The man may have won a Pulitzer Prize, but it was NOT for this book!)
Apparently it gets better after the first 200 pages. In a book that’s only 406, that’s unacceptable. I might pop the last audiobook cd in to see what happens, but I really don’t want to slog through the middle 7. There are references to The Marriage Plot, the device used in classical literature (and romance novels) but there don’t seem to be enough of them. The general character outlines are there – the rich girl in “love” with the one she shouldn’t be, and the nice boy you hope she ends up with – and I’m sure the whole “misunderstandings” thing will come into play, but I really don’t care. I’m so disgusted with the characters that I don’t want to spend any more time with them.
(I indeed listened to the last cd. I approve of Mitchell a bit more – he acknowledges the fact that he was a little dumb in love. But Madeline and Leonard? Nope. Still don’t like them. I dislike Madeline even more now!)
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. But I really love when you hate an audiobook. They are the best reviews. :)
I hated this book with a passion. I read the whole damn thing, and you are quite accurate in that Madeline is THE WORST. Leonard and Mitchell, eh whatever, but Madeline… she makes female protagonists look terrible everywhere. I’m so sorry you sat through this one.
I’m sorry this was billed to you as a fluffy beach read, because it is absolutely NOT THAT. If fun and beachy is what you seek, might I recommend The Royal We by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan?
On a different note, I really liked what Eugenides did with this book, because he propped up a “marriage plot” a la Henry James and then promptly set it on fire. Leonard was the most interesting character to me, because Eugenides explored his bipolar disorder in great detail. Perhaps that might contextualize some of his jerky behavior? Madeleine and Mitchell are despicable (Eugenides makes a point of it, in fact), as is Leonard, but Leonard at least is pathetic in his inability to conquer a mental illness that has him in its grips. That part is deeply saddening, and it shows how very shallow the other characters’ behaviors are in context of their own inability to gain traction in life. Obviously, if you like character-driven books, this is not the book (Middlesex might be more up your alley). But I as an English major 4lyfe liked the discussion about literary theory (and I remember the discussions we had about Barthes and Derrida) and the marriage plot from 19th century novels that gets played out in the 1980s. But again, that’s not everyone’s jam.
I super second The Royal We…it was great.
Also I super second Hamilton lyrics being used for all things. Obviously.