I would have less rage watching this, because I would not have to experience the awful stage directions!

I’m a big Harry Potter fan.  I went to the midnight book and movie releases, I have Harry Potter merch, I know what house I’m in. (Gryffindor who wants to be a Hufflepuff, in case you were wondering.)  So I bought this when it first came out. Did I read it? No. And I don’t have very high expectations going into it. Because I’m the Harry Potter fan who reads fanfiction.  I’ve been reading fanfiction for over 10 years.  And in those 10+ years, I’ve come across some truly awesome stuff.  People pour their heart and soul into these journeys into author’s worlds, and it shows.  Some of the stories are longer than the entire Harry Potter series put together! And quite a few of them are well-written and insightful and a joy to experience.  So when I heard that Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was, to some people, a bad fanfiction, I decided to maybe leave it unread for a bit.  Maybe it’s fine. It does well in London and New York. (I’ve also seen Harry Potter plays and musicals, and they were bloody fantastic, right Ale and faintingviolet?)  But now it’s time. Here we go!

 

Part 1, Act I

• First off, as a theater person I’m interested in how they stage this.  I’m also a but put off by the grammar of the stage directions. Have they never heard of an ellipsis?  And I get that we’re trying to be fancy, but “progeny”? Really? Just say “children.”
• Also, so far James is a little shit, and Albus is nervous, as he should be with the awful name his parents have saddled him with.
• The stage directions.  I can’t. They’re so bad. “It’s a lame trick. Everyone enjoys its lameness.”
• What’s with the weird, inconsistent capitalization?
• Harry, man, have you forgotten your time at Hogwarts?  Why are you telling your son that there’s “nothing to be frightened of” at that school of horrors?  You almost died multiple times!
• Act I Scene 2 is just the Epilogue from the last book.  Now we get into truly “new” material.
• Wow, Rose is also a little shit.  Yes, let’s “rate the compartments” to decide on who you’re going to be friends with.  Just because your parents are famous doesn’t mean shit if you’re an asshole.
• Aw, Scorpius is nervous, and Rose is the asshole.  Seems like roles are being reversed here.
• What?!  WHAT!? This is so tropy of a fanfiction.  We’re sending people back in time and Voldy has a son.  This is garbage.
• The stage directions continue to be shit.
• Since when do they announce Quidditch positions in the Great Hall?
• Aw, Scorpius has a crush.  This will turn out badly!
• Since when do kids call someone “an irrelevance” as an insult?
• Wait, Albus’s eyes become “darker”?  Are his eyes changing color, and if so, how would you see that from the stage?  Or is he wearing emo makeup now? Is he turning into a little emo kid?
• Oh, man, Scorpius’s problems got real.
• How can we tell from the stage what number Harry is dialing?  And why does it matter?
• We are learning that Harry is bad at his job, and kind of a dick.  Nice.
• Ooh, Harry said a bad thing.  Harry Potter, Worst Dad of the Year!  And Ginny should be waaaaay more pissed off!
• Why did we lift a scene straight from the first book?
• Albus Potter and the Very Bad Plan
• Holy crap, the Trolley Witch is creepy!  And terrifying!
• Draco’s reaction is very understandable.
• While the kids think their new roles will be ‘fun,’ they should have switched them around to be more accurate.  Kids are dumb. And look! We have two boys and a girl going on an adventure.
• Whaaaaaat?  I mean, I can see now why the boys didn’t switch, but that’s really kind of gross.
• So far the library scene is the best one, and it feels more like cannon material.  Although why Hermione keep her office more secure beats me. Why hide things and trap them where school-aged children can get to them?  Why not just put them under a Fidelius charm?

Part 1, Act II

• Wut.
• Wait, WUT?
• This is all bad. I’m so confused, and we’re only seven pages in.
• The ‘logic’ of these characters is so bad, even by Harry Potter standards.
• I can’t.  It’s so bad. So, so much bad.
• They did NOT just describe Hogwarts as “a splendid mass of bulbous buildings and towers”!  I’m offended.  It sounds like they’re fat-shaming our glorious castle!
• What is it with Harry and Malfoys?
• Harry Potter as: The Worst Dad
• Harry Potter as: Stalker Dad
• Ginny is the only normal one, it seems.
• I appreciate Delphi commentating on the shit security at Hogwarts.
• Moaning Myrtle is still creepy.
• I mean, the staging seems like it would be interesting, if it’s done well.
• I know his chosen name was “Voldemort,” but his followers called him The Dark Lord.  His name had a Taboo on it, and it was supposed to be feared. So I’m not so sure about this ending.  We had a very exciting ending to Act 1, and while the ending to Act II is a cliffhanger, it doesn’t seem to pack the same punch as the first one.  I don’t know if I would be happy leaving the theater with that as the last scene.

 

Part 2, Act III

• Well, things got a little dark, didn’t they?
• How would Scorpius be more athletic if history changed?  Did all of the Potter allotment for sports go to Scorpius instead?  Is that how this works? I know Draco was good at Quidditch, but still.
• Ah, now we’re back to the ridiculousness in the stage directions.  “He has the smell of power about him.”  How can you smell power, and what does it smell like?  And who uses the word “fascistic”? Wouldn’t you just say fascist?
• Why isn’t Scorpius lying and saying he hit his head to explain his behavior?  That would make things a lot easier for him.
• “…trying to understand his head.”  What does that even mean?  Does Scorpius have a strange haircut now?
• I do like the dynamic between Scorpius and Draco.  Even in the alternate world, they have a closer and more real relationship than Harry and Albus.  And we can see even in the script what kind of person Draco is.
• Wait, when did we find out that Cedric was a Death Eater?  Did I miss something?
• This is actually not that bad.
• Snape is still awesome.
• They make a point that Hermione and Ron are surprised in every alternate timeline that they were ever together and in love.  Is this is an acknowledgement that many people think they shouldn’t have been together? (Probably not.) (It’s probably going to have some lame message about love or something.)
• “There is a flash and a bang and our gang disappear.”  Are we part of the Scooby Gang now?
• Ludo Bagman has the worst lines ever, even for a sports announcer.
• Part I was lame, but Part II would be very scary for a child to go see.
• Scorpius has a lovely line that no teenager would ever say to an adult.
• Well, we know which side the authors were on the Snape is Good/Evil debate.
• “And then there’s silence. And then there’s more silence.”
• “It’s so still, it’s so peaceful, it’s so perfectly tranquil.”  Really?  Did no one look at that and think, ‘this sounds very awkward, we seem to have too many ‘it’s’ in this sentence’?
• “…you disappeared two people-” Is no one checking this thing for grammar?!?
• Draco appears to be appropriately terrified of McGonagall, as he should be.
• Ha! McGonagall calls Hermione out on her dumb!
• “Bravery doesn’t forgive stupidity” is one of the best lines in the whole play, especially for Gryffindors!
• Harry Potter is still not a great dad.
• Grammar!
• Scorpius is the true hero of this story.  It’s like the Potters are the “main” characters, but other people are making everything work.
• Oh, but now Scorpius did a dumb.
• And we are reminded that these are dumb kids.
• Albus is super dumb around pretty girls.
• Ron may be an alcoholic, or at least he gets drunk frequently.
• If the kids were still in the castle, then McGonagall should have been able to find them as Headmistress, or they could have, you know, used the MAP!
• Oh snap!
• Time cannot “think a bit”!
• Really? “She must do.”  That doesn’t even make sense, especially from Hermione! (Apparently this is a British thing.)
• Really, Harry?  That’s the worst thing?
• This doesn’t seem like as strong an ending as we had in Part 1.  There’s a bit of a mental shock, I suppose, especially if you managed to avoid spoilers (damn you, random article I didn’t think was related!)

 

Part 2, Act IV

• Was Craig a dog animagus?
• Why is she releasing this information in a press release?  Do people really need to know this?
• The way this is written makes Hermione sound like William Shatner.
• “It doesn’t make your negligence negligible.”  Really? Could no one find a thesaurus?
• What the hell? “This is almost a Spartacus moment.”
• Is this bit with the Stationmaster really necessary? And with the accent?
• I feel like they’ve given up on the whole ‘grammar and capitalization’ thing here.
• Why is Harry being such a dick?
• Right, because Dumbledore sucks.  But still! A lot of the things he’s blaming Dumbledore for are completely Harry’s (and Ginny’s) fault.  Don’t blame a dead man for your mistakes! And if you’re acknowledging the fact that Dumbledore was not as great as people thought him to be, why on earth did you name your son after him?  You made super poor choices in naming your son.
• Dumbledore had some issues.  The Wizarding World could use some therapists.
• Wait, what does Draco do for work, then?  Does he even work?
• “Malediction”?  Most people will not know what that is.  Just say curse!
• Why is Harry quoting Dumbledore to Draco when he just gave Dumbledore shit for saying it?
• Lol, Scorpius called Albus a spoiler.  True, friend!
• Good to know the boys can throw out a terrible idea.
• Bromance!
• Why does Albus not know what a Demiguise is?
• Wouldn’t the message come through right when the ingredients collided?  Time travel rules are confusing.
• Ron is whipped, to no one’s surprise.
• Once again, grammar rules are not in force here.  Use a comma now and again!
• And Ginny makes sense!
• Wait, what image did they use for Voldemort?  Shouldn’t it still be a handsome man? When did the no nose look come about?  Because I thought that was from the resurrection. Or was his appearance altered by the dark magic he was using?
• She was too old for you anyway, my friend.
• Voldemort would have used the word ‘infant.’ Or stuck some more words in there.
• That spell has a stupid easy counter that a first year could do!
• Wait, how did Albus get there?
• Oh, those last two were addressed.
• Again, Ginny has the right of it.
• We could have ended that scene on a sound cue.  Missed opportunity, perhaps? (Well, there may have been a time gap in the middle there.)
• “Fantasist”?  Really? There is no way Albus would use that word.
• Scorpius is calling Albus out on his poor choices, as a good friend should!
• “Slytherin are playing Hufflepuff…” Shouldn’t it be Slytherin is playing Hufflepuff? It definitely sounds better that way.
• “The two boys disclocate…” Um, they parted?
• Wait, so why was Harry’s scar hurting again?  Was it just the possibility of the changed realities?
• Harry goes on about how he’s not a great dad, but the other two kids seem to be fine.
• Albus is still a teenager, and so on occasion can be a little shit, as he should be.

 

So there we have it.  Was it bad? Mostly. Will I see a production of it?  Not at Broadway prices. Would I watch it on DVD? Probably, just to see the staging and effects.  Would I recommend it? Not to a hardcore Harry Potter fan!

 

This fulfills the CBR10 Bingo square of “Backlog”