The Day of The Dissonance by Alan Dean Foster (1984, 292 pages) – This fantasy adventure has a lot going for it. First of all, it’s written by one of the best. Alan Dean Foster, whether writing great science fiction (“Nor Crystal Tears” is autographed and on my Read Forever shelf or a film adaptation (I think his “Abyss” is much better than the movie), is a master when it comes to grabbing you by the lapels and yanking you into whatever world he’s writing about.
This world is no different. Although this is Book Three of Spellsinger (a much better title), it totally stands on its own. We’re part of a colorful band on a magical adventure to save a young spellsinger’s mentor, an ancient turtle, by obtaining a remedy that’s far away on a journey filled with danger.
The hero, a guitar-playing law student sucked by accident from Earth, undertakes the quest in hopes that maybe he can find a way home and save his only friend in this magical world where animals (and mushrooms!) talk and evil lurks around every corner. The chances aren’t good he’ll survive, but what’s a hero to do? The first thing – contact a conniving otter with a sixth sense for avoiding danger. He’s not so good at avoiding brothel madams who want their money for services rendered, however.
To escape a trap set by the turtle’s nemesis (there’s always a nemesis), Jon-Tom, our hero, sings “Eye of the Tiger” using his magic instrument. Instead of escaping their cell, a giant white tigress appears in full body armor and takes a liking to the handsome hero.
One of the things I really like about this story is that, unlike many other humans-trapped-in-a-fantasy-world tropes, Jon-Tom uses his Earth abilities and knowledge to help them get out of tense situations.
For example, when the group becomes lethargic crossing a dead wasteland, Jon-Tom realizes something is causing them to sleep and telling them to give up. When he discovers it’s the giant mushrooms around them, he teaches them to use psychoanalysis to improve their lot (and stop killing people passing through).
They escape and rescue an aged ferret trader and cross the inland sea on the “Sloop John B” conjured up by Jon-Tom. Unfortunately, he’s not very good at spellsinging yet, and the words of the song affect them literally. It is the worst trip they’ve ever been on. Could it get any worse?
Of course it can. Really mean, sadistic pirates, led by a fearsome parrot with one leg and one eye, capture them and force them to scrub the deck and (foolishly) play music, not realizing Jon-Tom is a spellsinger. Our hero lulls the crew to sleep and escapes with the captain’s mascot – a naked young human woman.
Back on shore in a large town, the enthusiastic otter’s supply techniques (thievery) end them in trouble yet again, and the young woman is shipped off to a shady orphanage. Jon-Tom, overriding the opinions of his companions, breaks in to save her and manages to liberate hundreds of cubs being mistreated.
Escaping yet another mob, the team heads for the mysterious village in the mountains where the remedy is kept. A group of overweight fairies attempt to eat them until Jon-Tom shows them the benefit of aerobics. Really. I’m not kidding. They, in gratitude, don’t eat them and give them a magical map to find their goal (apparently the city moves around).
The ferret and the young woman disappear, but Jon-Tom still refuses to think the worst of her even though they took the map with them. A group of highwaymen (they’re everywhere) attack them as they hunt for the missing duo but a gay unicorn saves them. After surviving a living desert, they finally reach the magic shop where an elderly kangaroo sells contraband from many different worlds. But, the turtle’s nemesis shows up and the fight for their lives, the life of their mentor, and bragging rights is on.
Unfortunately, Jon-Tom is a hard rock musician and he knows few songs that will help him fight an evil ferret wizard and a mighty genie.
I know this book sounds silly, but I really worried about Jon-Tom finding his one true love and everyone escaping the adventure unscathed. No one wants to be scathed.
This sounds nuts! But HA! at your title.