Chakra here, chakra there, chakra everywhere

Patty: Confession Time: When I approached Katie with the idea of doing a joint review, it was supposed to be a one-time thing, my way of getting her to complete her Half-Cannonball as she had kind of been in a slump. We had a blast and have kept the momentum going (sorta) through shark shifters and carnies, lip biting and watersnakes, and 500 Shades of Crap. They haven’t all been bad, mind you, but somewhere along the line I started to wonder what the point of our reviews were.

Why sift through piles of literary dreck, finding only the occasional worthwhile story? Why spend energy snarking and lampooning mindless drivel? Why “learn” all of the ins and outs of paranormal canon?

Blood Magic is why.

I am now prepared. I have read, studied and understood exactly what is to come when the chakras align and the vampire angels come to claim their fated witch mates.

Or something.

Katie: This reads like the romance novel equivalent of American Horror Story. The author, Jennifer Lyons, seems to have picked a genre (in this case paranormal romance) and managed to include every idea and/or trope she’s ever come across into this one story. Like she threw a whole bunch of ideas on the page to see what worked but didn’t edit afterwards. Seriously.

https://youtu.be/zMy5BNoUMhM

There are witches, demon witches, hunters and rogue hunters. The demon witches have cursed the hunters to crave witch blood, even though they are supposed to protect them. Once a hunter kills a witch for her blood, he becomes a rogue hunter, craving more and more witch blood. There are some rather serious flaws to this logic.

Patty: You say logic like it applies here. That’s cute. Also: CHAKRAS.

Katie: Maybe we need to take a break here to meditate on the book with Shirley Maclaine.

Refreshed? At peace with yourself? Good, because I need you to explain how you thought reading this crap was a good idea.

I know, I know, I was the one who introduced Shark Shifters to the mix, and goodness knows that was some terrible writing, but this author honestly believes she is doing something new and original. You can tell that she feels like it’s IMPORTANT, and instead it’s every cliché that ever clichéd. All-encompassing love and soulmates versus the literal forces of evil, etc.

Patty: I’ll tell you why it was a good idea via an expository monologue that paraphrases everything you just said and that is full of MEANINGNESS and sheds light on my character. If that doesn’t work, I’ll do it again. And again. And again. Every few pages until you get it. Then, and only then, will our chakras align and you’ll have some hope of understanding Witch-Hunter/Slayer/Assistant Night Manager Blood – um – Warrior…Man.

Katie: (mutters to self) chakra this!

Ahem.

Moving on.

If you want to read a lot about chakras that may or may not be accurate, this is the book for you. If you want to give every type of paranormal romance a try all at once, this is a definite possibility. If you want to save yourself a lot of unoriginal writing, avoid this like you would Typhoid Mary.

And, finally, I prefer to think of Shirley Maclaine as Ouiser Boudreaux instead of meditation guru, so here’s a palate cleanser.